The Biggest Lies
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'll respect you in the morning.
3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
4. It's only a cold sore.
5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
6. My wife doesn't understand me.
7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
8. Of course I love you.
9. I am getting a divorce.
10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
11. I never inhaled.
12. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
13. I never watch television except for PBS.
14. ..but we can still be good friends.
15. She means nothing to me.
16. Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
17. I gave at the office.
18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
19. I'll call you later.
20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
21. Read my lips: no new taxes
22. I've never done anything like this before
23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
24. It's supposed to make that noise.
25. I *love* your new !
26. ..then take a left. You can't miss it.
27. Yes, I did.
28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
1. A loved one was cleaned up for burial and no one recognized them
at the funeral.
2. You can't shop at the Salvation Army because you don't meet the
dress code.
3. You've ever been kicked out of a soup line because of your appearance.
4. Your life goal is to see every episode of the Dukes of Hazard.
5. You've ever "squealed out" in a funeral procession.
6. You've ever taken a beer to a job interview.
7. You've ever taken a cooler to church.
8. You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle while driving.
9. You've ever removed the seats from your car so all of your kids
could fit in it.
10. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, you ask her
to bring back beer.
11. You think at a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
has the right of way.
12. You brought a date to the wedding and you were the groom.
13. You've ever given livestock as a wedding gift.
14. You've got more feathers in your hat than a full-grown ostrich.
15. You've ever gotten fired from a carnival job because of your appearance.
16. Motel 6 turns their lights off when they see you coming.
17. You've ever used up all of your deer tags at a golf course.
18. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
Rules for Yankees who move to the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how
to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with
this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store,
it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and
should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and
Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good
Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive
on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying
to find it yourself.
The WORST things to say to the police
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they
sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
How to keep the wackiness alive in the modern workplace.
1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re
waiting for a document to come out.
2. Arrive at a meeting late, say your sorry, but you didn’t have time
for lunch and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting, you eat 5 raw potatoes.
3. Insist that your email address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, make them sign a waiver.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail
to a co-worker and ask her/him to settle the debate.
7. Page yourself over the intercom, and don’t disguise your voice.
8. Name all of your pens and pencils and insist that meetings can’t
begin until they’re all present.
9. Come to work in your pajamas.
10. Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
if your boss is a different gender than you.)
12. Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them
only by these nicknames. "That’s a good point, Skippy." "No, I’m sorry
I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
13. Suggest that beer be put in the soda fountain.
14. Schedule meetings for 4:14 P.M.
15. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
16. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
17. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what
you are doing at all times. For example: "If anyone needs me, I’ll be in
the bathroom."
18. No matter what anyone asks you, always reply "okay."
19. Put a garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
20. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
21. Grow mold in your coffee cup.
22. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter,
I think my phone is ringing," and then leave. Go get a cup of coffee.
23. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
24. Compose all of your email in rhyming couplets.
25. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk
into your day-timer.
26. "Hi-Lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes
since you did this.
27. Organize a carpool. Go pick everyone up in a taxi.
28. Hang mistletoe over your desk.
29. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal
note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I
am pleased to announce that I got my highest score on Tetris last night."
30. Bring in dishes you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right
as special treats for your co-workers.
31. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
32. Put up mosquito netting around your desk.
33. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.
34. Send email message saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the
lunch room. When people complain there was none, just lean back, pat your
stomach and say "Oh but you’ve got to be faster than that." See how long
it takes before people stop believing you, then start planting pizzas.
35. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
25 thoughts to get you through almost any crisis
1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig
likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
Misconceptions that Women think are the Rules To Be A Man
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your your most prized body organ. Be sure it is something narcissistic
and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go
out with me?
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice
grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't
your fault.
11. Lie
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help-
don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason
why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know.
I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on
her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to
know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry.
If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you
at anything, either pretend it's not true or beat them up.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon
yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must
come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each
day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact
replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely
in 45 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY
feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T
STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without
virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer.
Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
62. Don't ever notice anything.
63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.
66. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
67. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
68. Lie.
69. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
70. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
71. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
72. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
73. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
74. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses
why they are at fault- not you.
75. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
76. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours,
so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your skills.
77. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about
sex. Compare with others.
78. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh
long and loud.
79. Lie.
80. General Rule: Different is BAD.
81. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about
how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor
you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
82. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long
run.
83. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to
you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
84. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak
to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me,
so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
85. Lie.
86. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
87. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I
was such a pimp back then."
88. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and
when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and
go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter.
Then drive like h---.
89. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who
wanted to end the relationship.
90. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.
91. Practice your blank stare.
92. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
a--. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your a--.
93. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times.
You won't be asked to do it again.
94. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first
try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead
and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how
to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part.
If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed
way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do
it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
95. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than
it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things
like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
96. Beer. Then more beer.
97. Scratch yourself. See if you can embarrass people.
98. One word: FOOTBALL!
99. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't
want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
100. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The
Gang".
101. LIE.
Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of
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If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein
and a
lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets.
Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop effing you when you're dead.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in
the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in
the
road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
or
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering
wheel.
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?
1) there are more of the lawyers to work with
2) lawyers are more expendable,
3) lawyers do more harm to society than rats
4) lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy
for them
5) rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity
6) they multiply faster
7) rats have an inate right to life and liberty
8) animal rights groups will not object to their torture
9) rats have more dignity
10) there are some things even a rat won't do.
What is the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in
laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers.
Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his a**.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
Respect.
What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a
moral disability.
What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the
hook,
and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as
to shoot
them? You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm
gonna
sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
Even hyenas has some dignity.
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
At least he wasn't a lawyer.
What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
Why are lawyers great in bed?
They get so much practice screwing people.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
About 3 1/2 if you slice them thin enough.
What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an a**hole?
The tie around a lawyer's neck.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many
toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died
that
they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps
depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership,
Cachem and Sioux?
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.
Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach
resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
before the criminal gets
arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law
after the criminal gets
arrested?
A lawyer.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been
there eight hours.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: None, lawyers only screw us.
A3: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now,
if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A4: How many can you afford?
A5: Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by standing
up
and shouting Objection!"
A6: 65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying
power, for
negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the
first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house, and 9 to
sue the
bulb manufacturers.
A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one
to object one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one
to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to
write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change
the bulb,
and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A8: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task
in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party
of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light
Bulb)
shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to
perform
previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary
living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
not
required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following
steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate
the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,
this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the
party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur
in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described
in step
one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized
by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party
of
the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A9: None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following
bill:
Item Light bulb
Charge
$2185
(Itemization of bill charges)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $ 400
Connectivity charge
$ 100
Staff charge
$ 250
Secretary prepared bill
$ 2
Research fee
$ 422
Consulting fee
$ 431
Paralegal processing fees
$ 25
Specialized equipment
$ 122
Bought bulb
$ 5
Overnight express delivery
$ 34
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge
$ 394
A10: Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder,
and one to
sue the ladder company.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Why has the Baptist church quit baptizing lawyers?
Because they can't get the ring out of the baptismal tub.
(Baptism in the Baptist church involves complete immersion in what looks
like a very large bathtub.)
What did the disgruntled laywer say?
Get off my case!