Poet's Corner & Children's Corner
Halcyon Home for Battered Women
The Survivor's Page provides an opportunity for survivors of domestic violence to express their feelings about the experiences they have been through. If you have any writings or poetry you would like to submit, please send them by email to email@example.com
From Abused to Abuser Then to Becoming A used Vessel of and for God
As a child I went through every abuse imaginable. Then in my late teens and my early 20's I was a victim of domestic abuse.
Then came my worst nightmare: waking up one morning in jail and looking at the face of an abuse in the mirror. Abuse is a vicious cycle which, if not corrected, makes the abuse become an abuser.
The story of my life: Always the scapegoat or the one to be made an example of for everyone else to learn from.
What happened to make me cross the line from being abused to hating abusers and then becoming an abuser myself? That's a 25 million dollar question that I wish I had the answer for. All I can say is not getting help and counseling for the abuse that happened to me was 80% of the problem. The other 20% was the time spent making excuses for the abuser. I could not accept the fact that I was abused or that it wasn't my fault, as I was brainwashed to blame myself during the abuse.
As a child being abused, I hated my abusers, and said I'd never do this to my children. Little did I know that 20 to 25 years later I'd be quoting "spare the rod spoil the child." The classic abuser states this without so much as blinking an eye or feeling the least bit of remorse, while crossing the line from discipline to abuse.
I never thought of myself as an abuser until I landed in jail and was faced with the challenge of fighting for my freedom and my sanity as well as for the right to keep my children. I prayed for God and my children to forgive me. I wanted my children to be able to look at me with love and respect, not in fear of the monster their mother could be when she was out of control.
I think back in time to when I was a child, asking myself why I was being treated this way and crying myself to sleep. It makes me cringe when I think that my girls were doing the exact thing years later.
Where does this cycle stop? Better yet, why and when did this cycle start? It may go as far back as the beginning of time for mankind, when sin entered into our genes and hearts. Why? Like everything else that's taken to an extreme it is a cycle. Most abusers don't mean any harm; they just simply lose control.
When will it stop? First the abused must get help physically, mentally and spiritually, and face the abuser and say, "It wasn't my fault you abused me." More importantly, the abuser must face up to the abused as well as society for the harm he has caused.
Let's all stop being in denial where abuse is concerned. It only scars the abused as well as the abuser for life. It rips up families, churches, and society. Let's all stop and think what we can do to help the abuser face the problem. Try to understand that the abuser was, 90% of the time, and abused child or person. That doesn't excuse his actions, but it helps us to understand his anguish and torment. Then help the abuser become reformed, no matter if it takes jail, prison, or an asylum, as long as it has classes to teach the abuser to want to change and use all the steps he has learned and apply them to his life. Maybe if he can be reached, that's one or more children saved from the cycle of abuse, which other wise would continue with them most likely also becoming an abuser.
For the sake of innocent children and other human beings, society must not tolerate these actions. Once we can reach the abused, we can stop the next vicious cycle of abuse and go on to repair and reunite damaged families .
I'm not saying this plan is perfect, but saving eve a few is better than letting the cycle repeat itself. With God's help and society sticking together to educate and help the abused as well as the abuser, we can stop the cycle. Let's educate, not hate.
I believe I am a vessel of God used to talk to and help people caught in the cycle of abuse. If I can reach just one abuser and ten abused then I have done all I feel God entitles me to do. Everything in creation begins and ends with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I will end and say a prayer for all. Thank you for taking the time and listening to an abuse victim, a reformed abuser, and a used vessel of and for God.
Telisha M. Jones